Eeeeeurg

Feb. 16th, 2016 07:41 pm
howeverbrief: (Skull)
Not much to report. Been quite a while since I felt this sick to my stomach. It's been since Saturday night, so I'm not sure if it's food poisoning or just some sort of stomach bug since one of my workers was out with a stomach thing the beginning of last week. All I know is I'm nauseated, have no appetite, had several close calls even getting to the bathroom while getting dressed for work (ew, which is why I didn't go this morning) and doing stuff is hard. Also, note to self, Immodium AD needs to be put on the list of drugs that knock me out all day, which makes no damn sense except when you consider the weird sensitivity I have to certain drugs. Ugh.

Aside from that, I got to hang out with my favorite people this weekend. Had dinner with Aurora before I got sick, which was nice. The conversation did highlight how long it has been, though, so hopefully we can find time to get together again soon. Also, Mike and I shared Valentine's Day and the four-year anniversary of the day we actually met yesterday, and even though I was ill for it, he was a very good sport. We stayed home on Valentine's despite our plans to go for sushi, and it was still nice. Yesterday, we went to Tahoe in the morning for breakfast and a walk around where we shared our first kiss. I feel a little bad that I didn't get more done for him for our anniversary, but hopefully I can make it up to him soon too. Some years are like that, I guess.

Lastly, Kiki seems to be hanging in there well despite the step-down in steroid doses to once a day, so maybe she still has some time despite our decision not to have her undergo surgery. We shall see.

Here's hoping I feel better tomorrow. My stupid fitbit step average is getting killed by all this laying around. ;)
howeverbrief: (Temp)
Every once in a while, my thoughts still turn into poems at work. Here are a couple I've written down:

"Nocturne"
My body wound tight, my ego wounded
conversations replaying with
skips in the
tracks
monsters mostly imagined
anxieties rising and falling faster than I
draw breath

She always said it
was the dark--
your cough more ragged
your fears looming larger
chew chew chew til
your jaw
aches

The sun will rise
soon
1/12/16

"Waves"
Desperate, trying
to keep my soul from keeling,
I lost all feeling
2/3/16
howeverbrief: (Skull)
I had a dream the other night that I lived in an apartment with my former friend Peter. (I say former because he blocked me on facebook a while back over who knows what, and, well, I'm fairly sure I won't see or hang out with him again because he's kind of crazy.) Anyway, while I was at work, someone broke into the apartment and stole a bunch of my things, including all my clothes. Peter said something about how all my things were in the building next door, and I needed to get them out before the thieves came back for them the next day. I went to look at the building and saw my clothes scattered all over the floor covered in broken glass from the large picture window the thieves broke while putting my stuff in the building. Well, I had to go to work again, and the next day, I came home in time to see Eddie Huang (who I can only think was in my head because of this commercial?) taking the rest of my things and disappearing through the door. Meanwhile, Peter had gotten some things replaced, and I had nothing left. My mom showed up for a visit and asked how I was doing. When I said I was exhausted, she said, "Oh, she's not that tired. She's had five days off."

Yeah, uh, whatever. I guess it beats the dream I had Friday night that I was late for work, my shower was outside, and people kept coming in and interrupting me.

Yesterday, Mike and I went to Smith to celebrate my mom's birthday early. We went to the Heyday and had a nice lunch before heading back to their place to set up the fitbit I got Mom for her birthday because her other one broke a few days ago as well as an ancestry.com account so she could get her DNA sample in the mail. (That one was partially selfish because I want to see how her DNA matches up with mine. Heh.) She also gave us some documents about her dad's family tree, and Mike got a copy of my dad's verb book to send to his dad. (My bad. Mike asked me ages ago to do this, and I forgot.) We also spent some time talking before we had to head out.

It was a good time. Afterward, we got some groceries and headed home for a late dinner, and exhaustion set in.

Today wasn't much. We slept in late, went out for breakfast and ran a few errands before he had to go to Livermore. (He got stuck in a traffic jam because of the incoming snowstorm, though, so he's barely made it after hours on the road. Kinda sucks. Barring bad weather, at least he'll be back tomorrow.) I took a walk after he left and then watched a show about Robert Hawkins that was super depressing. (Spoiler alert: He shot up a mall in Omaha in 2007, but his parents did damn near everything to help him before then.) So now I'm trying to dig myself out of that hole before it's time for bed and work and blah.

Let's see. I got a sleep machine from Amazon, and it has been helping my sleep somewhat. I feel like I've slept more deeply the last few nights, but certain things are still waking me up: Mike snoring, his CPAP machine screwing up, and the heat turning on at night being the big three reasons I'm still waking up. It could be that I just haven't figured out the optimum settings for the machine yet, but I'll keep working with it. For its part, it does help me get back to sleep more easily if I'm not worrying about other things, so that's a plus. We'll see.

There's other stuff going on, but it's more personal. I'm not sure if I want to talk about it just yet.
howeverbrief: (Skull)
Kung-fu fighting? )

Speaking of exes, I got this message on new year's eve: "With all the crap that's happened this year I want to say that I am sorry for the way that I treated you and acted around you. I was an insensitive asshole and it was a wonder that you were ever friends with me. That being said I want to thank you for all the years that we were friends and apologize for the years we were not because it was my fault! I hope you have a great 2016"

That would be from Thomas Warner, who I hadn't heard from since his grandmother, the only reason I knew him in the first place, died last April. Weird stuff. I didn't respond.

Not speaking of exes, we took Kiki to the vet yesterday because she's been sneezing for weeks now and getting it all over everything we own (plus we are still concerned and all, haha). The doctor gave Kiki another shot, her third since last August, as well as some information about a CT scan because she's still concerned she might have a nasal tumor and that would be the best way to figure out if she does, though they might take it and still not be able to see it. We're on the fence about it. On one hand, I'd like to know if she has cancer. On the other, it's an estimated $500-$1000 test, and every time they've given her this shot, she's gotten better for a while. Just hard to be on the roller coaster of not knowing, and since Kiki favors Mike, I'd hope he wouldn't have to go through the same deal he went through with his cat, Katie. Time will tell I guess. New to this appointment, they found she had a swollen lymph node in her leg that could be due to inflammation or cancer as well, so that's fun. This is not counting in Olive, who we haven't gotten a senior screen for but should because she's reabsorbing a tooth and should probably get dental work but they don't know if that would kill her in the process because of her age. Sigh.

And we're considering children at some point?!

This weekend has been pretty low-key otherwise. Usual chores and such. We also went to brunch today for an early celebration for my dad's birthday, which was nice, no drama, and tasty. Otherwise, my head is in a weird place, but at least I also have the day off tomorrow. Not much else to report now, I suppose.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
[Error: unknown template qotd]Uh.... a big 10-4 there, good buddy. My room was filled with stuffed animals as a kid. Because my dad still lives in the house I grew up in, I think the closet still is. When I was really young, I thought they were alive and talked and did stuff when I was out of the room. I also took special pains to not make others jealous when I was spending a lot of time with a particular stuffed animal.

(Toy Story came out when I was 12, if you're curious. That movie's not the reason I felt that way, though I did identify with that movie a lot. Haha.)

I wouldn't say that I had an absolute favorite. Different times in my life, I was obsessed with different toys. For example, when I had hernia surgery in the second grade, I took my bear Nyla with me. (I remember the nurses put a mask on her and gave her "anesthesia" as well.) Another year for Easter I think, I got a white rabbit in a green velveteen suit that I loved. (I really enjoyed The Velveteen Rabbit as a kid, which is probably more accurately the place I got the idea that toys were real. I think I won the book in a contest at school or the library. That was probably around that time.) A different Christmas, my mom had seen me eyeing a bear that was a chimney sweep named Sooty Sam. (I like Mary Poppins, but I'm not sure why I was so obsessed with this bear in particular. I must have really annoyed them with my screeches about "Sooty Sam!" that year.) When I was a little older, my parents brought back a bear that was wearing a shirt collar and tie. I then became obsessed with finding him a wife. (Not sure why. I was never wedding crazy as a kid. I just didn't want my animals to be without friends and mates.)

And along with all this, there were too many cat stuffed animals to count, some of which I even sewed myself. I'm pretty sure there's a row of them still in the closet at my parents' home because I organized things like that. I could probably still tell you all their life stories. Weirdo.

Do I still enjoy them as an adult? Uh... I don't have a guest room filled with them or anything. I don't talk to Mike with my squishible mini t-rex and the other dinosaurs plus various other characters I own an annoying and unhealthy amount of the time. (Wait, I do. Oops.) Not to mention I bought him a police officer puppet named Cyrus who is a filthy, dirty cop on our honeymoon who likes to talk about drugs and whores and who has since had a barely legal (or illegal?) teen puppet in a cheerleading outfit named Megan join him. (Mike generally voices both of them, though he insists my voice for him is creepier.)

Ah, anyway, I probably have more animals than a self-respecting 32-year-old should have, but there you go.
howeverbrief: (Ink)
So... I don't know if I mentioned that I was getting a DNA test through ancestry.com. Mike and I sent in our samples around Halloween, and while his isn't fully processed yet, I have results now.

My ethnicity estimate is a-like so:
Great Britain: 59%
Ireland: 33%
Scandinavia: 3%
Europe East: 2%
Asia South: 1%
Caucasus: 1%
Europe West: <1%

To no one's surprise, I am very white. To my surprise, however, there is very little if any German in there and much less Irish than I thought. This is weird to me because my father is entirely Irish, and my mother is half German. (She has family stories from her father, who supposedly was a double spy in WWII because he spoke German, about being related to Austrian or German royalty. She's never been able to confirm if this is true.) My parents are probably more British than both of them know. Haha. The Scandinavian percentage amuses me, though, because my dad had a red beard with dark hair when I was growing up. I was always convinced he had some Viking blood in there. The other stuff? Uh, I don't know. It's weird that all my lineage seems to come from the same general area.

I haven't done much looking into it beyond finding the results interesting. There's a fair amount going on otherwise. We also got a nice card from Mike's niece Riley about her mission. We need to write her back, but we've sent her several emails and a package. Kind of funny how far away we've gotten from actual written communication these days. Sounds like things are going well for her though.

Short week ahead and Thanksgiving, where I'll be making a pie and not doing much else since we're sticking around Reno this year. I got the go-ahead to take a few days off to go to San Francisco with Mike to see his friend Nate who is visiting in the middle of December. The week after that is Christmas. Then we're off to New Mexico for the last week of the year. Lots to look forward to, even if we need to get there first. Usual chores are done even if I managed to hurt my knee again somehow. So it goes.

Sigh

Nov. 13th, 2015 11:15 pm
howeverbrief: (Winter)
I had an entry in my head all day. I was writing it pretty much from the moment I woke up with a song stuck in my head. That all seems pretty petty compared to what happened in Paris, though. Over a hundred people dead? Really? What does that accomplish? Unbelievable. Well, given the current political climate, not entirely unbelievable unfortunately. I have no words.

A coworker told me this, though (and yes, I'm paraphrasing, but not by much):
"These immigrants. I'm not a racist. You know, I wasn't raised like that. Every man's my brother. Every woman's my sister. But I don't trust those burka people. You know, they need to be taken care of, and I don't mean in the three meals a day way, you know?"

Good God. You're not helping.
howeverbrief: (Smile)
I've been having a lot of jacked up dreams lately, most of which I mercifully don't remember. This one, though, I did. Dreams are dumb )

We had a very nice visit in Utah.Farewell Riley )

This week hasn't been too strenuous. I worked for three days then had yesterday off so I could go with Mike to his follow-up appointment for his ankle. His doctor said he could start putting weight on his foot again, but to do so gradually so he can get used to it again after not being on it for eight weeks. He is still using his crutches to get around, but at least he can now put both feet on the ground and move forward. I think that makes things much easier to deal with. After we got home, I finished a blanket I started the week I broke my own foot, so I guess that's kind of fitting. Hopefully going forward won't involve any more broken feet, but we'll see what the future holds.

Other than that, got a new dishwasher today (because I've hated the way ours doesn't clean our dishes for quite a while now) and custom framed Mike's anniversary gift (a printout on cloth of our vows). We also finally got to try Peg's Glorious Ham 'n Eggs, which opened in our town a few weeks ago, and bought some groceries. Pretty successful overall, I think. Mike goes to Livermore tomorrow, and then it's time for another week. So it goes.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
The weirdest friendships you find yourself in once you hit 30

Well! That was... kind of depressingly accurate. Food for thought, I suppose. Damn.

EDIT: Haha, this comic was the next entry down on my friends list. Thanks, livegerbil.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
Mike made it through his surgery fine! He was out of anesthesia earlier than scheduled, and everything seems to be going well despite him still being in pain. (It's at least different pain since the doctor fixed his fracture.) The doctor said he did not have to do the third procedure he thought he might have (he was thinking of another patient), but he did have to put a screw through the fibula into the other bone, which increases his non-weight bearing to eight weeks instead of six. Other than that, he has the standard plate and screws, and he got his appetite back pretty much right away. It was hard on him because he got a nerve block, which numbed his whole foot for about 24 hours and looked pretty painful to put in place. It wore off at 5:00ish this morning, but he otherwise seems to be doing pretty good.

And I would have gone back to work today had it not been for the cold I seem to have picked up somewhere-- sore throat, congestion, sneezing, coughing, alternating runny nose and eye (only on the left side of my face) and headache. Awesome! Why not, right?! I'm definitely not needed at work or for anything else! Sigh. So it goes.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
Mike has ankle surgery tomorrow. We have to be there at 6:00 a.m. I'm super not looking forward to the early morning. My mom is already in Reno and has plans to sit with me for the hour it will take to do the surgery and the other hour it will take until he's ready to go home. Otherwise, uh, I dunno. Mike has never had surgery before, and I'm not sure how anesthesia will affect him. I have plans to stay with him for the recommended 24-hour-period, but beyond that is touch and go. Work is ramping up, and it's hard to be away from it (though I made a pretty dumb mistake this afternoon that I'm still kind of miffed at myself for). It is what it is, and I don't have anything remarkable to say about anything really. I mostly thought about posting about it on facebook but realized I didn't want my whole friends list to know the particulars. (If Mike posted about it, it would be different, but he hasn't either.) I wanted to record it, but I didn't want to answer particulars from the peanut gallery. Kind thoughts are still very much appreciated, though.

I guess I'm trying not to think about it because if I do, I get nervous and worried. When they scheduled the surgery, the doctor said it wasn't urgent but if they didn't go in and realign his ankle with a plate and screws (and depending on what they find, turn another bone around if necessary), he might be worse off in the long run. Mike keeps saying he feels like if he just stayed off of it for a while, it would be fine. Sigh. Surgery is surgery, though, and it's scary to think about what-ifs. Have I always been this ridiculous about possibilities and the unknown? Who am I kidding asking that question anyway?

It's hard. Not going to lie. I'm doing my best, but I'm not even really very good at that. I've retreated to the guest room because I've been sleeping worse than normal lately, and that's not good for anyone. He never seems to get comfortable. Hopefully the surgery will fix that. Either way, he has to be non-weight-bearing for six weeks, and with my work where it is, I'm not going to be home all that much. More than session because it will be a fixed schedule, but still less than the usual shifts. His work allows him to work from home, so that currently doesn't seem to be an issue, though he hasn't been doing much of that either.

I'm a little stressed out, and I'm not sure what to look forward to. That's life though, I guess. Got to be present in the muck sometimes in order to get out of it or something. Metaphors are failing me. I should probably turn in before it's 4:00 in the morning and time to wake up again, yeah? Ugh. Oh well. Hopefully Mike gets through it all okay and we patch up the rest in post. Whatever that means. I'd like to have at least one summer that doesn't end up like this, but we'll see how it goes.

I'm glad August is almost over anyway. Stupid August. No one likes you.
howeverbrief: (Ink)
[Error: unknown template qotd]Honestly, I didn't have many plans at the start of the year beyond "make it through session." Well, that and don't break any more body parts, but that's a given considering how much my foot still hurts and reminds me when storms are coming.

It's been a big year. It was the start of my first cycle as supervisor handling eight proofreaders during the legislative session, and it wasn't all that easy. I think I did a fairly good job for having replaced my boss, who did the job for ten years plus and saw a lot of changes to her job in that time. I'm not sure if it would have been possible for her to convey to me just how many facets there are to supervising. Some I picked up from watching her, but a lot of it has been a steep learning curve, especially when it comes to relations between my people. I mean, I knew handling relationships between people would be part of the job, but I had no idea how big of a percentage and how unprepared I'd be for some of the scenarios I've run across.

Suffice it to say I'm still learning and will probably never fully figure it out.

It's been stressful and hard on Mike as well, considering he only got to experience session stress from a few states away last time, and I know it can't have been easy to deal with my freaking out about hours and deadlines and everything else that goes along with trying to keep up with the legislature, not to mention our various health problems and just general adjustments that go along with newer marriages and life. So far, he's helped me immensely, and I don't remember how I got through it without him the last two times. He's such a sweetheart, and thought he has his own work issues, I'm pretty sure he's helped me out far more than I've helped him. I'm very lucky he sticks around sometimes.

It's been difficult to see my body deteriorate, though. I've recently become more and more aware of how weak my physique is compared to before I broke my foot. At that point, I was just starting to see the effects of less exercise due to being a newly wed and lazier specimen in general, but now I'm definitely feeling like I'm not where I want to be physically. I'm trying to start my old exercise routine before work again, but it is challenging to get up earlier in the morning not to mention we'll be going back on overtime soon to do codification and I'll have much less time to figure it out then. Sigh.

Work/life balance has become rougher to figure out. I wouldn't trade my life with Mike for anything I had before, but it is hard to see what's coming and plan for the future. Certain days I feel like I have all the time in the world to do what we want to do, and other times I feel my biological clock ticking. I don't know when I'll be ready. I don't know if there's a right time to do anything, really. I do know we'd make anything work, but there are many more unknowns that I can't seem to square with myself right now. I suppose there's no harm in leaving it alone until things settle into whatever they're going to settle into. If there is, I won't know until later anyway.

Most of my life can be summed up in this sentence anyway: "I needn't have worried." This seems to become more true the more I repeat it to myself after particularly stressful events that turned out to not be so bad, so... Why worry about it now? I needn't have worried. It'll work out and be okay.

Ongoing

Jul. 6th, 2015 10:31 pm
howeverbrief: (Skull)
I had a dream the other night that I woke up and fell going down stairs in slow motion. In a daze, I heard the front door rattling. As I crawled toward it, a strange man broke the lock and started walking through the door. I tried shouting at him to get out and asking why he was there, but my voice was too weak and sleepy. Then I woke up.

I've been sleeping pretty badly. Don't know why. My dad put up the curtain rod in the master bedroom weekend before last, and my mom kindly hemmed the curtains we found online (because no one in this town sells the exact size we need, of course). Apparently, I just get to wake up at 5ish most mornings regardless. Well, if I'm lucky it's only one time a night. Next on the "try" board is reducing the dose of OTC allergy medicine I take, drinking less water before bed, praying to the voodoo gods, sacrificing a goat... Okay, only some of those. Maybe I'll figure out what the heck is going on soon. Probably not.

The 4th of July was pretty nice-- just hung out in Reno with my sister, her friend from work, my brother, my mom and Mike. We ate too much, played Uno early in the afternoon then Cards Against Humanity later while waiting for fireworks. My mom sat at the table and listened during that game, which was awkward at times, especially when one of the answers ended up being "The primal ball-slapping sex your parents are having this second." (I think my sister played that on my brother, which kind of makes it worse. He also didn't appreciate being played the "Motherfucking Sorcerer" card either and refused to read it out loud. Hahaha.) She said something like, "I can see how this game could be fun." Oh, sorry, Mom. Oh well.

Ah, not much else happening. I need to train people again tomorrow, which I'm not looking forward to but will be fairly easy. Past Fiona did most of the work for me already, and I just have to do the talking and explaining part now. Meh.

BUT we just have to make it to Friday. We're leaving for Vermont early Saturday, and that'll be nice. Just have to make it to the other coast and semi-isolated cabin in the woods and yes.

Okay. My stomach is having a full on hatefest at the moment, which has interrupted this post several times already, so I'll stop here for now.
howeverbrief: (Ink)
I had a dream that I was back in college and dating Chris again, only I figured out later I'm married and felt really bad about it. My dream self then decided to debate who was the best out of him, Austin and Mike, and of course, Mike came out on top for several reasons, which made me feel even worse for kissing and having feelings for someone behind his back.

I woke up alone. Of course. Mike's in Livermore.

I realized today that it's been close to if not exactly ten years since I've seen Chris. If I felt like digging, I could figure out the precise day, but it doesn't really matter. As far as I know, he's long gone from here. Not too many months after that, I started up with Austin, and that relationship remains the longest I've ever been in, but not for too much longer. (May of next year will crush that record if you're curious.) Austin lives closer to me, but I haven't seen him in maybe four and a half years? Just after I started working here but before I moved, I think.

I've known Very Pretty for almost fourteen years. (How's that for weird, eh college roommate?) Certain other friends have come and gone in that period. Before her, my longest friendship lasted twelve years before I severed ties. Most of the people I grew up with I either don't talk to or don't know anymore outside of facebook, and that's okay.

Recently, I've been downsizing my friend's list there. I had a strong reaction to seeing pictures of someone I went on one pseudo date with after breaking up with Austin which didn't go anywhere because he had some derogatory things to say about gay people at the end of it. I literally know more about him through his facebook than I do from the time I spent in real life with him, and I decided I didn't care at all about him. Then I looked around and decided I didn't care about a lot of people, and suddenly I was below 120 friends on facebook.

I've probably spent a little too much time thinking about how social contacts used to work. I seem to recall in pre-internet times being able to entirely fall out of touch with someone over the course of your life, to the point where you hardly (if ever) think about them if they didn't mean anything to you. Also, it was a lot harder to look someone up if you ever had a passing whim about them, let alone a search engine at your fingertips begging you to find out, hey, that person lives this sort of life now! Isn't that interesting and not at all ultimately useless? Perhaps this sounds cruel and weird of me, but I've been feeling like that antiquated process would be preferable to the many slow deaths of relationships you experience over social media--people ghosting out of your life instead of reminding you every once in a while what they ate for dinner and how much you've both changed and disagree now. Lives coming together then drifting apart. The same old story told by different players.

I guess I'm mostly tired of caring about people who wouldn't notice if I suddenly disappeared. Yeah, I guess that makes me an asshole.

My dad was here yesterday and looked at one of the paintings I have on my wall. He said it was amazing because my Uncle John painted one almost exactly like it, down to the circles and color scheme. My mom said I was my uncle's niece. I wish I could have gotten to know him as an adult. He's been gone for fourteen years. I miss him.

But here we are, and time is short. It seems to be getting shorter all the time.
howeverbrief: (Winter)
Me, after looking at an advertisement on the movie marquee: Blood drive is a terrible name for a movie. Wait, that's not what that is.
Mike: Or it's the best name for a movie. *movie voice* Blood Drive. Donors needed.

Uh... guess you had to be there. I'm having some trouble having the right attitude for work, but I'm too tired to go into it again after telling my tale of woe to several people. Hopefully I can get caught up in the right way soon. Yeah, that's basically all I wanted to say.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
So, uh, hi again. Let's see, I worked fifteen of the last twenty days. I ended up with a random Friday off (unprecedented for session), and this week has been pretty boring so far. Because I had a three-day weekend and barely anything has been going on with work, I've been trying to convince myself to get back into old routines, which really just means starting over at this point.

I used to work out twice a week before work. Well, my broken foot put the kibosh on that for a year, and I've come up with so many excuses for not waking up earlier. (This morning's was, "But I woke up at 3:40 and just got back to sleep!" Super pleasant.) Fitbit's still forcing me to walk 10K steps a day, but I manage to feel physically weak anyway. My foot also still hurts! GRAND!

Other hobbies I used to do on a regular basis I'd like to do
(in no particular order):
Knit
Sew
Read
Paint
Cook
See friends in person

OH, and this. Write, right? Right, right. I used to write constantly, about anything and everything. What happened to that? Why is that question all I seem to write about here? I had this grand plan at the start of the week to write one entry per day all this week, even if I felt like I had nothing to write about, and somehow it's already Tuesday, and I see I haven't written in almost three weeks before that. I kind of feel like nothing is going on even though I know I'm just still tired and busy even though we're doing nothing. Such a weird paradox.

I'm aware this whole thing is pretty boring. I'm pretty sure no one really reads this, and that's okay. Why put it out there then? Well, I'm mostly trying to jar myself into recording some of this again because I used to think about much greater things. I used to have things to say other than, "I'm so tired. I wish I was at home/asleep/not working so much," etc. Yeah, maybe those things were dumb too, but I felt better when I could express some of these thoughts knocking around in my head. So often, I feel unable to grasp my own thoughts these days, so often gone with the passing moment because I can't spend too much time parsing things or I'll forget how to stay upright. I just want to remind myself that I know how to think about ideas that aren't work related, whatever those are. I used to put things together. I used to make things. I know how to do this. I'm just out of practice... or I never really knew how but like to entertain myself with delusions of grandeur. Either way, it's something I'm missing. It's something I want back in my life.

Enough with the excuses, I guess. Well, that and not so much of the self-chastising if I'm not able to make my goals. Start small or at least start somewhere.
howeverbrief: (Ink)
I guess it's hard to explain, the feeling that everyone else is steadily driving down the road, passing telephone pole after telephone pole to some place, any place but here, and you're just standing still hoping that it'll be enough when the time comes to move again. I had a long conversation with myself the other day where I wondered if I was depressed, and I think I figured out that I'm not so much depressed as I don't have enough energy to do much but exist. I asked what I would do if I could do anything at all and not have to worry about money, and I couldn't really think of anything different. I'd write, I suppose. Paint. Try to publish some poetry.

But really, when I think about it, I'd get bored of that after a while and want to go back to work, even if work is a bit too much of my life right now. It's a dream that never goes anywhere. I think the illusion of free time haunts me just because I don't have near enough of it to recharge before I have to kick in the afterburners and run close to on-empty for days at a time. Yeah, I know I don't have it all that bad. It's not for even all that long, and I'm more than halfway through this cycle. I have lots of help, and for the most part, I chose this job and could probably do something else if I really wanted to. Thing is, I get tired of it all too. I get tired of being away from what I care about all the time, feeling like I only accomplish a fraction of what I'd like to and not doing a good job at what I do the vast majority of the time.

I don't know that any of this makes sense, only that it's knocking around in my head. It's Mike and Auntie Moya's birthday today, the day two of my favorite people were born. I didn't do enough for either of them. I talked to Moya, and she mostly said I should be hanging out with Mike. Well, that didn't work too well either. I didn't get home until 6:30, and I've been mostly useless sitting in this chair typing words into the ether. I'm lucky, though. I still get to see them sometimes, and at the end of this, I will hopefully get more time to do what I want. I guess mostly I need to figure out what that is anymore. I seem to have forgotten.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
I thought about poetry today. I used to think about poetry quite a lot, and now it only slips in sometimes when I'm trying not to think too hard about other things. Living in the moment has never been my strong suit, and the so-called walking meditation I attempt when I'm stressed out from working too many hours feels like an exercise in futility some days. I never write anything down. There's only so much you can do on any given day.

This session seems to be taking a lot more out of me than the previous two, probably because of the supervisory component of my day-to-day activities. It feels like wading through quicksand a lot of the time. I'm pretty lucky that I have mostly good workers who show up and do their jobs, but at the same time, it is not a perfect system. Nothing really is. I don't really want to go into details at the moment, though. It doesn't really do anything. Plus, Mike hears enough about it whenever we actually see each other.

20 days on, and two days off. I actually also got Wednesday afternoon off as well, but I find it very hard to relax. I ended up cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry, shopping, reorganizing, going on several walks, sleeping, cleaning cat water bowls, taking apart and reassembling the sinks in the master because mine smells funny (and still does, damn it), and pulling weeds among going out to a few meals and grocery shopping and whatever else I forgot. There always seem to be a million things to do, and it feels like they get compounded when you're away for basically three weeks. Not that I can keep up normally, but it feels especially hard lately, even though I have a lot of good help this time around that I'm very thankful for. (Sorry you're in Livermore, Mike. We'll be back together soon, and hopefully for more than a few hours.)

I don't know. I need a new perspective, I think. We're almost halfway through, and we're headed east in July. Just got to find the motivation to keep going. Just got to keep finding ways to make a fresh start.
howeverbrief: (Winter)
Today I got to give the, "The next two weeks are going to be brutal" speech, and I wasn't exaggerating in the slightest. We have deadlines the next two Mondays, where we basically have to put out the rest of the bills somehow (of which I'm estimating we haven't seen/processed half yet), and I lost all hope of having a weekend for the next couple of weeks on Sunday, when I worked over nine hours. Also, my boss said this might be the worst she's ever seen it, and she's worked there over ten years. WOOOO!

SO yeah, session. If you don't see me for a while (or if I'm very hard to contact), there you go. I already miss being at home with Mike and the cats, and I'm at home. Sigh.

Money, right? Vacation in Vermont. Time off in the future... Think good thoughts for me if you're into that kind of thing. Thanks.
howeverbrief: (Ink)
Oh HAI, livejournal. I should update you, but tabular_rasa kindly asked me some questions I'd rather answer before I forget. If you'd like 5 questions, reply "Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, spock!" in the comments.

What is your favorite thing about where you live? (Take that to mean what you will: your city, your neighborhood, your home itself, etc).
I wish I could say I adjusted to being a city person (if you can even count Reno as a city, with its "Biggest little city!" status), but even though I lived there about ten years, I never quite adjusted. This isn't to say that I would never consider living in a bigger city than I'm used to, but given where I grew up, I'm pretty comfortable with small towns.

This town is particularly nice because it's not big and crowded with people, but it's also not so far away from places that are both less populated (like my parents' place) and places that have much more going on (like Reno or the Bay Area or, you know, an airport). It's pretty much the best of both worlds because I can hide from people when I want to but get to wherever else I'd like to be without much trouble.

Long story short, I like the size of where I live. Plus my house is pretty awesome too.

What is the last new thing you learned?
I think it was that there's another size of bed. I'd never heard of an Olympic Queen before, but I don't think it's very common. Ebay has a buying guide on bedding for them. I guess the difference between a normal queen and an Olympic Queen is about six inches in width. I only learned about this because the bedding we bought had measurements for an Olympic Queen.

(We got our bed today. It's giant and hopefully will be much more awesome than sleeping on the floor.)

If you could know your own future, would you want to know? Why or why not?
Hmmmmm. That is a hard question. On one hand, I'd like to know because I'm pretty paranoid about wanting to do a good job and would like to know that everything turns out okay in the end. On the other, I still want to believe that I can change things for the better if I keep trying to improve. I want to believe that I have control over my life to some extent, and if I knew what happened in the future, I might not strive or try to do other things that weren't in line with what I already know. (I may have some control issues and seen too many movies on time travel, haha.)

What are your thoughts on nudity? Do you like being naked? Does it depend on the context?
I think nudity is okay to some extent, though I'm sure you won't be surprised to find out it depends on the context. I am pretty modest, all things considered. The most skin I'll show is usually when I'm wearing workout clothes, and even then, it's nothing too scandalous. Since I don't have much in the way of curves to show off (and clothes don't always fit my proportions right), I don't tend to show a lot of skin to begin with, and I think I'd feel pretty uncomfortable being nude in public. I'm okay with nudity in the right situation, but I don't seek out time to be naked. I'm usually fine with it when it happens for the right reason, though. ;)

In the first round of a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock! which would you choose, and why?
I have to admit that even though I have heard of this variant of rock, paper, scissors, I had to look up the rules to find out what Spock and lizard can do. Usually, I'd pick scissors, as it's my go-to in the traditional game, but given Leonard Nimoy's recent passing and what the sign can do, I'd say Spock.

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