howeverbrief: (Ink)
I had a dream that I was back in college and dating Chris again, only I figured out later I'm married and felt really bad about it. My dream self then decided to debate who was the best out of him, Austin and Mike, and of course, Mike came out on top for several reasons, which made me feel even worse for kissing and having feelings for someone behind his back.

I woke up alone. Of course. Mike's in Livermore.

I realized today that it's been close to if not exactly ten years since I've seen Chris. If I felt like digging, I could figure out the precise day, but it doesn't really matter. As far as I know, he's long gone from here. Not too many months after that, I started up with Austin, and that relationship remains the longest I've ever been in, but not for too much longer. (May of next year will crush that record if you're curious.) Austin lives closer to me, but I haven't seen him in maybe four and a half years? Just after I started working here but before I moved, I think.

I've known Very Pretty for almost fourteen years. (How's that for weird, eh college roommate?) Certain other friends have come and gone in that period. Before her, my longest friendship lasted twelve years before I severed ties. Most of the people I grew up with I either don't talk to or don't know anymore outside of facebook, and that's okay.

Recently, I've been downsizing my friend's list there. I had a strong reaction to seeing pictures of someone I went on one pseudo date with after breaking up with Austin which didn't go anywhere because he had some derogatory things to say about gay people at the end of it. I literally know more about him through his facebook than I do from the time I spent in real life with him, and I decided I didn't care at all about him. Then I looked around and decided I didn't care about a lot of people, and suddenly I was below 120 friends on facebook.

I've probably spent a little too much time thinking about how social contacts used to work. I seem to recall in pre-internet times being able to entirely fall out of touch with someone over the course of your life, to the point where you hardly (if ever) think about them if they didn't mean anything to you. Also, it was a lot harder to look someone up if you ever had a passing whim about them, let alone a search engine at your fingertips begging you to find out, hey, that person lives this sort of life now! Isn't that interesting and not at all ultimately useless? Perhaps this sounds cruel and weird of me, but I've been feeling like that antiquated process would be preferable to the many slow deaths of relationships you experience over social media--people ghosting out of your life instead of reminding you every once in a while what they ate for dinner and how much you've both changed and disagree now. Lives coming together then drifting apart. The same old story told by different players.

I guess I'm mostly tired of caring about people who wouldn't notice if I suddenly disappeared. Yeah, I guess that makes me an asshole.

My dad was here yesterday and looked at one of the paintings I have on my wall. He said it was amazing because my Uncle John painted one almost exactly like it, down to the circles and color scheme. My mom said I was my uncle's niece. I wish I could have gotten to know him as an adult. He's been gone for fourteen years. I miss him.

But here we are, and time is short. It seems to be getting shorter all the time.
howeverbrief: (Ink)
Reading lyrics to this new CD I got--

I know no one buys CDs anymore. I'm one of the last holdouts, I guess. I really don't know why. I had a Walkman as a kid, and it was all right. CD player after that, too-- still hanging around my closet somewhere, I'm sure. Maybe it's a tactile thing-- holding the music in my hands after exchanging money for it, showing it to others and having it rattle in the door of my car for months on end. You don't have that with mobile music storage. Of course, they said the same thing with records and then cassettes came out and CDs themselves, so what do I expect anyway? Get with the damn times.

Maybe I just have trouble letting go. Already growing old in some respects. The bartender yesterday said I looked too young to have been living in this town for almost a decade. "I mean, what are you, 29?" Actually, 26, thanks. Oh, and this after my friend (younger than me by a few months) said he was jealous I still got carded all the time. It's what I get for bragging, I guess. Then again, I don't go on 36-hour binges like he does. No reason to these days.

I wonder when it's going to get easier even though it really never does. Some part of me is always wondering when the work won't be so hard, when I'll wake up and just be happy. Those are silly questions if you really look at them. When has life ever been easy? You try to compare it to when you were young, but it was all the same. We're all a slip and fall away from a concussion or a few weeks away from starvation and only a sliver away from death by a myriad of other means, a number that is growing by the minute considering the technology we create to make things simpler. And what of happiness? There are uncountable joys in this world, and yet, certain days are still bleak no matter how much window dressing you try to slap on them.

But it wouldn't be as interesting if it were easy. You get bored and stagnate. You fall asleep to the same worries after groundhoging your day, same day you've lived for the past few years or maybe even longer. You want your life to be one way, simple, pure, untainted by the terrible senses of responsibility and lack of control, but even if you get what you want, you're never really happy with it. The truth always seems to be this: anything worth having is worth being a little uncomfortable for. If you really want it.

Even so, I have to recognize that I can't always get what I want, especially when it comes to other people. You can't make them want what you want them to want. Too many factors shoe-horned into submission. One of these days, the whole thing will explode. There are no equations for this loss, no predictable paths showing just where I went wrong or neon arrows urging me to run away at the exact moment it would be best. No, this is just what it is-- me looking back and being unable to tell myself when the wolf was at the door. The inevitable that's been nipping at my heels for years. I could beat myself up for wanting all the things I wanted and trying so hard to get them and still failing, but I am not responsible for the second half of love-- the other silhouette I held myself to. It doesn't make the day-to-day uncertainty any better. It doesn't make him listen. It doesn't force me to understand how I could have fixed things or even if they weren't worth making the effort for in the first place. It doesn't hold me in it's arms and tell me it will be okay.

It just is, somehow. It just is.

Oh right. I was talking lyrics. )


Apr. 14th, 2010 11:56 pm
howeverbrief: (Ink)
I wake up late these days
mornings spent staring at the ceiling
after another night of cold feet
(and thoughts of you) rousing (me)

another night of my eyes flicking open
dreams of painting (me) into a corner
of bandits breaking in while I lay helpless
(or you frowning as I catch the bouquet)

my eyes train on the red numbers
willing time to slip on by
effortless as dawn seeping in
small slivers of light through the blinds

I hide under the covers, waiting
or lamenting the loss of (us)
building sand castles of meaning, only
to have the sea of (me) wash them away

how to forget the thoughts of (we)
what a tragedy to be alive
to pare it down to only (I)
oh, that hope would die with goodbye

and here, snapping the pieces apart, breaking
over and over my own small beliefs, I sigh
If this is losing it, then
you don't know what it is to survive


Feb. 27th, 2010 11:37 pm
howeverbrief: (Ink)
"There's a Fine, Fine Line"

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
-Avenue Q

This song almost made me cry this afternoon, but it is all right. I enjoyed the show otherwise. For now, I am going to try to do this offline. Thank you for being there for me. I will return.

5 Things

Feb. 16th, 2010 02:43 pm
howeverbrief: (Default)
Well, hmph.


Feb. 7th, 2010 06:18 pm
howeverbrief: (Skull)
It's only been two days, but I miss you. I miss being able to call or text you and see what you are doing and how you are. I miss feeling like you want to know the same about me.

I'm not going to call and tell you this. It wouldn't do any good, but I still feel it anyway. I just wish you wanted the same things I do. I wish it was possible for both of us to have what we want and still be together. I wish you wanted to fix it and could be happy with me the way I am.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

But it is.


howeverbrief: (Default)

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