While I always figured I'd find love and get married all American Dream-like just because that's the script we're all handed, as a kid/teen I wasn't much in the hurry to get to that point. I was utterly uninterested in romantic relationships until I was about 14 or 15, and got frankly fed up with all the "Who do you have a crush on??" conversations that dominated female interaction starting around 3rd grade. After that, I kind of pined about not having a boyfriend in high school, but it was more because I liked the idea of someone liking me, not because I really desired or felt I needed the relationship. It was more of a perk than a necessity. My parents thankfully did a good job encouraging me to focus more on myself than the pursuit of love at this time (they were very much "figure out YOU first"), though even they started panicking when I hadn't dated ANYONE before leaving for college, lol. Until about a year into dating Robert (so, age 23), I had more plans for my funeral (which is about *me*) than my wedding (about *us*-- or, at least think they should be . . . whether so many young women actually stick to that is definitely up for debate, lol). Then watching so many of my teenage/college friends lose their identities in unhealthy relationships and stuff definitely made me feel kind of "I can have me, or I can have someone else" ultimatum-y about it.
I didn't like songs about endless love or how much someone couldn't live without someone else or all that other popular dreck. No, I listened to minor tones and anything dark and melancholic in those days (and I still tend to gravitate toward this kind of music and find it hard to express myself though any positive and straightforward love songs), maybe because it was easier for me to dislike myself as a whole rather than wonder what parts of me weren't good enough for other people to like. Same, and this is still the case. I remember being mindblown by a friend during my study abroad who had been dating her boyfriend (and they're now married . . . ) since they were 14, so she literally could not relate to any of the sad/angry heartbreak songs I chose to sing at karaoke (this being just after the dramatic dissolution of the multi-year unrequited thing I nursed through much of college), and everything she ever sang was positive saccharine love songs I couldn't relate to.
But I think you can be a whole, stable you and still in a relationship. Especially once you reach adult maturity. In fact, I frankly think a relationship shouldn't be any other way. (These songs glorifying unhealthy *I'd lose myself/die without you* and *We're so fucked up and our relationship is fucked up and that's what makes it so hotttttt* and shit should really go die in a fire, because they're broadcasting precisely the wrong idea to everyone). And I don't think it matters what your history is that brings you to that point, whether you've had some lengthy explicit Eat Pray Love journey of self-acceptance or you've been single a total of one month since puberty, though that may affect the way you approach it. I'm glad you're reaching a point where you can have both and accept it!
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I didn't like songs about endless love or how much someone couldn't live without someone else or all that other popular dreck. No, I listened to minor tones and anything dark and melancholic in those days (and I still tend to gravitate toward this kind of music and find it hard to express myself though any positive and straightforward love songs), maybe because it was easier for me to dislike myself as a whole rather than wonder what parts of me weren't good enough for other people to like.
Same, and this is still the case. I remember being mindblown by a friend during my study abroad who had been dating her boyfriend (and they're now married . . . ) since they were 14, so she literally could not relate to any of the sad/angry heartbreak songs I chose to sing at karaoke (this being just after the dramatic dissolution of the multi-year unrequited thing I nursed through much of college), and everything she ever sang was positive saccharine love songs I couldn't relate to.
But I think you can be a whole, stable you and still in a relationship. Especially once you reach adult maturity. In fact, I frankly think a relationship shouldn't be any other way. (These songs glorifying unhealthy *I'd lose myself/die without you* and *We're so fucked up and our relationship is fucked up and that's what makes it so hotttttt* and shit should really go die in a fire, because they're broadcasting precisely the wrong idea to everyone). And I don't think it matters what your history is that brings you to that point, whether you've had some lengthy explicit Eat Pray Love journey of self-acceptance or you've been single a total of one month since puberty, though that may affect the way you approach it. I'm glad you're reaching a point where you can have both and accept it!
/rambly . . .