howeverbrief: (Skull)
I had a dream last night where a woman let me know about a governmental conspiracy via a document she gave me. It was something involving proofreading. I spent the rest of the dream trying to tell as many people as possible about the conspiracy because I knew I would be caught before long. However, each person I told, I seemed to lose more and more details about the conspiracy and why it was significant. By the time I forced myself awake, I could barely string a few words together but knew it was important to say the words anyway.

That's all I remember. I've had a lot of crazy dreams lately, really detailed stuff that fills me with dread upon waking but spares me the details. I semi-chalk this up to taking sleep vitamins at night, but surprisingly, the dreams about being late for work/school/whatever dream world thinks is important have dissipated lately, even on Sunday nights when they are usually present in spades and wake me up multiple times before my alarm goes off. Not exactly sure why, but it is a nice change of pace. It'd be nice if all the nightmares and the sleep paralysis went away, though. Always a little frightening.

I had a longer entry I wanted to write about what I was thinking about earlier during my walk, but dreamwidth seems to be lagging quite a bit. I will attempt this again when the site isn't eating half my words as soon I type them. Happy Sunday, all.
howeverbrief: (Skull)
"Williams' Response"
Yea, the beauty of the missiles
falling from the sky,
the illumination as it bursts
and settles soft
on the people, dead and dying
howeverbrief: (Smile)
I called one of my coworkers "Aurora" today. I told her immediately that this was a compliment because my best friend's name is Aurora. Not sure if she believed me or not, but she said she liked that name. (My coworker's name is Doris. Not even close to Aurora, by the way.)

Damn, I'm tired. I've worked every day since the 12th. Working tomorrow, the next day and next week too. I'm waiting for laundry to dry so I can go to bed. Ah, oh well. What do you do, right?
howeverbrief: (Temp)
I've had this idea percolating in my head for quite a while, probably because I spend a lot of my break time at work asking myself the same questions, almost like a mantra even though I already know the answers before I ask them: What day is it? What time is it?

Over and over. Sometimes answering, sometimes groaning. Occasionally I'll add another: When can I go home? This question is easier to answer in even years because I know when I'm going home. Five hours. Three hours. One hour, fifteen minutes. Odd years, I only have one answer: I don't know.

I've been adding a level of difficulty to these questions lately, probably because there are only so many times you can ask the same questions of yourself without getting entirely bored of it. I start to wonder why do I ask these questions of myself when I already know the answers. Why bother with a mantra that merely passes the time?

I'm not sure of the answer. It makes me think back to a class I took years ago where the instructor told us the importance of staying in the moment. Ego, she said, is how we fall. We learn to balance by tuning into what's happening and adjusting to it rather than expecting things to happen the way we think they should. I am still not good at this, and every time I try to balance, I tend to fall, thinking I should be able to even though I don't focus or practice or even take the time to tune back into lessons I thought I'd learned long ago.

I am not good at remaining in the moment. I never have been. Most of the time, even though I'm more aware of this than I ever have been, when I make a conscious effort to take in the colors of the leaves around me, the temperature of the air, the smells from local restaurants and the uneven plodding of my feet in front of me, my mind tends to wander to other things. I explain my political positions to myself. I finish conversations I've never had. I respond to situations that haven't happened yet. I try to prepare for the next moment, month, year, tragedy, success, hardship... The thing is I know I can't predict any of this, yet I can't stop doing this. I have the world in front of my eyes, and my mind drifts off into deep waters, brought back only when it's time to open the doors and work again.

I've been thinking life moves incrementally. So often now, I feel myself pushing through uncomfortable moments I don't want to deal with by trying to step back and think of the bigger picture and/or positive experience I'm looking forward to next. At one point this year, after we had come back from our big trip and did not have anything else planned, I felt really depressed. Before me looms session, with all of its time-sucking, stress-inducing bullshit, and while I've been through it before, it's hard to know what will happen because every session is its own animal. I am not looking forward to the sometimes 90-hour weeks or the late nights I'll spend away from Mike because of deadlines or the constant task switching that's part and parcel of my job. I am not looking forward to seeing what kind of breaking point we'll reach with one member of my staff in particular who's a constant source of drama. I am not looking forward to the next six months.

I am not looking forward to a lot of nonsense I make worse for myself by worrying about what might happen versus just letting it happen and figuring out how to adjust rather than thinking I know.

But back to where I started. Life appears to move incrementally. No matter how we feel about it, it is indifferent. If I welcome what's coming, if I desperately want to avoid something, if I am bored of it all, it moves regardless, and I move with it. I can't help this. Good, bad, indifferent.

Like I said, I have not worked this out entirely, but it is something rattling around up there. Alongside these thoughts, I've been thinking there are only a few ways to get along in this constant incremental movement, a few ways to come out on the other side even if we are moving toward something regardless.

1. Do your best.
2. Admit your mistakes.

Simple enough to say, harder still to put into practice. Doing your best being an ideal concept to strive toward and admitting your mistakes being the near opposite action of realizing your less than ideal self will screw up even when you have the best of intentions.

I am tired at this point and unmotivated to finish this train of thought, but I wanted to share anyway. It has been too long. I will try again soon.
howeverbrief: (Winter)
I should post about Thanksgiving (which I still might do), but work has been really draining lately (for reasons I don't feel like rehashing right now). This is what I'm choosing to post about instead.

I dreamed last night that I was at a birthday party for tabular-rasa. I didn't know which room to go to in her very large house, and as I walked into a large room, a few servants closed the doors behind me. I rushed back to the doors when I figured out this wasn't the room where the party was, but they told me they couldn't let me out because of the special guest.

I went to the bar to order a drink and wait to be let out. As I was sitting there, Donald Trump sidled up to the bar, sat next to me and started talking to me. I thought, "Well, I'm attractive enough for him to talk to me but not for him to touch me," and I felt weirdly flattered and disgusted at the same time. I got out of there as quickly as I could.

I finally found the room where the party was, and my mom was there too. Amy was opening presents, and I grabbed one and opened it. I turned back to her and said, "I don't know why I did that. Sorry." I handed the gift to her, which was a large plastic light saber. She took a look at it and noticed that when I opened the present, I broke a connecting wire on the light saber. She started explaining that the connecting wire I broke was used to hook up the light saber to her phone and now it was broken and... In my shame, I didn't want to hear the rest of it. I cut her off and said I was going home with my mom.

We tried to leave through a nearby sliding glass door, but once we were on the deck, I found that half the stairs leading down were gone. We were forced to go back inside, where more of Amy's family/spillover guests from Trump's party were gathering. I tried to get Amy's attention so we could leave another way, but she was pissed at me still and distracted by everyone.

Then my stupid alarm went off.

This is the second time I've dreamed about Trump since the day of the election. At least he didn't chase me this time (but I did win the presidency in that one, so it's a wash).
howeverbrief: (Temp)
Okay, let's do it.

Read more... )

So, that's it. Now maybe I'll be able to update on some of the other stuff that has been happening, since that has seemed like an endless series of distractions. I'll be back soon to talk about that, I'm sure, but thanks for your patience over the last few entries while I've tried to gather my thoughts about this trip. Overall, it was an experience I won't forget. Under all, life constantly gets in the way.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
Augh, I think this week is going to be crazy, so let's try again...

Read more... )

Two days seems to be my record for the moment. I'll try again later. Thanks for putting up with my short bursts about this trip. Hopefully headed toward done soon.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
Oh good lord, how many days has it been since I said I'd come back and tell more about Iceland? Too many. Let's see how far we can get this time.

Read more... )

As you can see, we packed a lot into all of our days in Iceland, so it's taking much more effort to write about than I anticipated. I'm just glad I kept up on posting pictures. Otherwise, I wouldn't have had a clear timeline on what we did. I will try to come back tomorrow and finish this, mostly because there's a ton going on in real-life, and I ought to clear this before getting to all of that. Let's try tomorrow!
howeverbrief: (Smile)
Maaaan, if I don't at least try to start this, I'm not sure when I'll get to it.

ICELAND TRIP (Insert fanfare here)!
Read more... )

Whew, this is definitely a work in progress, and I'm a little tired and sore at the moment. I will be back with more hopefully soon.
howeverbrief: (Skull)
It is extremely strange to think it has been 15 years since the world trade center attacks. In some ways, it feels like it was just yesterday.

I remember waking up annoyed around 6:00 in the morning because some idiots were running around in the hallway yelling about something. I chalked that up to dorm living and went back to sleep until it was time to get up for my first class of the morning, which was at 9:00 or 10:00. By the time I was headed to class, the large TV in the lounge area downstairs was playing what I thought was a movie: the first tower on fire; another plane flying into the second. Weird thing to be playing that early in the morning. If I recall right, the person behind the desk was gasping.

I walked to class, Spanish 101, and when I got in, my classmates were talking about upwards of 15 downed planes and about how there were snipers on the roof of the White House. Again, it sounded like a movie. Stuff like that doesn't happen in real life, only in the imaginations of Hollywood shills trying to make the next blockbuster.

Then my teacher, a tiny lady from Mexico who I always remember as being strict but impeccably dressed, came in, visibly shaken. She told us of the attacks; told us to take care of each other; told us there would be no classes today; told us to go home.

I called my mother, who was in a hotel with my father because their anniversary was the day before. I wanted to know she was okay and to hear a friendly voice. Mostly what I remember is her being annoyed with me for calling and saying of course it would all be okay.


But so much has happened in fifteen years. Airport security protocol changes. Bombings. Terrorist groups scattered and re-surged. Mass shootings. Wars. The rise of racist rhetoric. Political division and unrest. The fact that most of these words are plural and each can be written about extensively. I can go into detail about what I remember from a day fifteen years ago, but to sum up everything that has happened since and all of the consequences thereof is infinitely mind-boggling. So much happened and so little remains in my memory of it all that it feels like the butt of time's great practical joke.

My experience is not unique. I did not suffer personally that day, as many did, nor will I claim any great insight from it all. A lot of it still reads as a senseless tragedy, and years worth of reflection and distance has not changed that, only added nuance to the struggle to understand why events like this happen and how we fail to prevent them. All those people dead in a single act, set into motion over the course of years and executed near perfectly by those determined to make themselves heard. Their voices are still reverberating in our bones.

I am only an observer, and a passive one at that. I wonder what it takes to evoke change in this very volatile world, but I am very different from the person who heard of the attacks fifteen years ago and immediately began trying to make sense of it, certain that there would be a way to make sense of it in the coming days. My concerns have shifted in ways I wouldn't have known about then, and I am the only one to blame for my complacency, my cynicism, my helplessness over what happened and what could be done about it. I suppose in the end it is hard to know for sure, as powers greater than the individual are always at play. It is hard to say, but it is much harder to feel like I should have something better to say after all this time. No, the years have gone by in almost a blur, but the uncertainty of those first few hours remains static and undiminished.

A lot happens in fifteen years. Still, in a lot of ways, I am stuck in a single day.
howeverbrief: (Winter)
Man, it's been over two weeks since we've returned from Iceland, and I haven't been able to come back and write about it yet. It seems like it's been one thing after another.

First off, jet-lag totally kicked my butt when I went back to work. Then we went to Grass Valley/Nevada City for Labor Day weekend to celebrate our third anniversary early, which was very nice until I got either massive food poisoning from an iffy Indian buffet we visited or had the flu coming on because I was suddenly unable to keep anything in my system. Before that, we had scheduled painting for this week because it's something I had been wanting to do forever, so we had to move furniture for them when we got home, still really sick. I stayed home sick Tuesday when they started too, so that turned out to not be as restful as advertised. Then between moving furniture around the next two nights and making it back to work Wednesday and Thursday to try to pull together training materials for the new hire I have starting September 19th, I realized yesterday that I'm still sick. I came home and passed out for five hours, and good lord where does the time go?

Poor Mike is sick too, though I'm glad he got to skip the part where absolutely nothing stays in his system. We're both feeling weird head congestion more than stomach issues now, so not sure if that's a continuation of what we had or a new illness, but I'm hoping we can both kick whatever it is this weekend since he has to go to Arkansas for a week-long training at Tyson University. (Yep, Mike gets to go to chicken school. Oo, fancy!) Anyway, I'd mostly like to get rid of this constant ringing in my ear and exhaustion/inability to concentrate more than anything else because I have a ton to do next week given that I lost two days of this week to weird mystery illness. Hopefully I'll be back to writing in some capacity before I forget all the fun little details of our trip, but I guess that's life crowding back in if not. You never get sick when it's convenient, right? Oh well. Fingers crossed I'll be back to normal soon enough anyway.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
Hello, we have returned. We got back from Iceland at midnight Wednesday actually, but since there's a seven-hour time difference (and Mike's been sick on top of it with a cold he got in the last days we were there), we've both been struggling to get back to some kind of normal in the past four days. I always tend to forget just how disorienting and weird jet-lag is until I experience it again. It was especially jarring waking up that first night and seeing Icelandic mountains in my bedroom instead of knowing where I was, but it gets better day by day. Soon we won't notice it at all.

It has been somewhat bittersweet being back. While there were definitely some fiascos, really the trip as a whole was very nice and different from anything we've experienced so far. I plan on going into details about the trip soon, but for now I'm mostly trying not to be bummed out about having to go back to work. I'm pretty sure this is the longest time in the five and a half years I've worked for the state that I've been away (not counting surgeries, but even then, maybe not), and it feels very surreal. Usually I'm more than ready to get back and buckle down into work, but this has been more of a break, I suppose.

I think part of it is the very real prospect of session starting again in February, and I have no more set time off between now and then. Well, that and needing to get some house repairs done before session comes (and hopefully succeeding in that because winter's coming up fairly quickly and I feel like we're running out of time again). I'm also not sure what's going to happen in the next year (or really what I even want to happen in the next year), so that's kind of terrifying. So it goes, the never-ending song of the sort-of adult I am, I guess. I'd much rather be in Iceland, where our only care at night was planning the next day's driving and wondering if the shower was going to be quite as bad as the previous place we stayed at, but I digress. It's okay. If not, it's going to be okay.

Anyway, Iceland posts coming soon.
howeverbrief: (Skull)
I moved into an apartment where my ex and his brother lived. I knew I'd have to try to figure out how to get along with my ex, so I tried to reach out to him and invite him into my room. He declined, and I felt that it was a good sign because I didn't really want to get back together. I went out and watched TV with his brother while waiting for a ride to the new school I had to register at.

A big computerized display was in the background that listed mentors for each of the people in the apartment, all of which happened to be Indian. They were ranked by how well each of their charges were doing in school. I was excited because I knew I would do well in school, but I felt bad for whoever was at the bottom of the list because he had a red flashing zero or negative number next to his name. I wondered who this mentor's student was but went back to watching TV.

For some reason, there kept being a delay for my ride to school, and there was always an excuse as to why I couldn't go to school just yet. I went into the kitchen and put a bowl of food in the microwave. Before the timer went off, I opened the microwave to see if it was done, and it was very close. I put it back in for the rest of the time left and turned to look into the other room. When I turned back, it had caught on fire.

In the race to find a fire extinguisher, I had multiple arguments with my ex because he thought I should just let the fire burn and was trying to prevent me from finding the fire extinguisher. By the time I found one, I wasn't sure if it would work, and my clock radio alarm was going off.

What's that all about?
howeverbrief: (Ink)
I had a dream a few nights ago that I interviewed for a promotion at my work. They told me I got the job, so I was super excited. I went into my new larger office and had no idea really what to do. I sat at my desk and shuffled papers around trying to figure it out. I left my office for a minute, and when I returned, my friend [ profile] verypretty was sitting at my desk and doing the work like a champ. I was told I had actually been demoted and was now her assistant. The next day she turned into my old boss, and the office turned into my current office, and I wanted to go back home and cry.

(My old boss is great. My friend Aurora is great. Dream world is just weird, demoralizing and manifesting my imposter syndrome that crops up every now and then. Booooo.)

Work has been pretty dull lately. My brain has a lot of time to wander, and it's not always to good places. I found myself sleepily giving myself a pep talk the other day about, "Hey, what if you actually took the time and gave it your all to writing? What if you looked over some of the short stories you started back in college and actually tried to make them into something?"

It was enough to wake me up in that moment, but knowing me, I won't actually do that. It's funny it came up at all, really, since I don't tend to like writing fiction much anymore. I liked the creative writing classes I took, but nothing really seemed to stick in terms of lasting passion. If I write fiction at all these days, it's in the form of poetry because I find I like telling really small stories and stringing together pieces and phrases rather than writing long form. I would still like to write a non-fiction book (and have several ideas for research projects), but I don't know. I'd like to think that this is just my aesthetic, but really, it's probably more of a convenient excuse because I'm impatient and don't want to devote the time I would need to make it happen. There are a million different distractions and only so much time and blah blah blah. So it goes, I guess.

I have figured out I can take notes on my phone, though, so I've been doing that instead of writing all over post-its and hoping I don't lose them. (Yes, I know. Welcome to the 21st century.) We'll see if anything comes from it.

EDIT: Wait, hold up. This is better than everything I just said.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
I think last I wrote here, we were prepping for Olive's surgery. You may have seen this on Facebook, but she made it through just fine. The doctor ended up pulling six of her worst teeth (some were broken, others were being reabsorbed somehow). She left a few that are questionable but not giving her any pain as far as we can tell, so she at least has some teeth left. They also cleaned what was left, so hopefully I can find a way to keep them that way. No idea how her mouth got so bad, but she is supposedly sixteen and came from a bad home before I adopted her. Also, they were able to remove the growth from her leg with no problems. I had the option of sending it for further testing to confirm what it was and see if they got it all, and it ended up being what they thought (a benign growth on one of her sweat glands). They also confirmed that it had been completely removed and wouldn't grow back. Phew!

Olive spent quite a bit of time readjusting to home life after she got out of surgery. She had to wear an e-collar to prevent her from getting at the stitches in her leg as well as eat soft foods so she wouldn't aggravate the dissolvable stitches in her mouth. She couldn't see very well with the e-collar on, so she ran into things a lot more easily and couldn't do a lot of her normal routine. It was also difficult to figure out what she liked and disliked in terms of food because she was used to eating dry food I left out all the time with the occasional treat of wet food, so I was pretty paranoid the whole time that she wasn't getting enough food because I had to pick up what she didn't eat of the wet food or it would dry out or smell all day. Whew. Trying to feed her more often as well as giving her pain meds the first few days are both things I'm glad I don't have to do on a regular basis anymore.

Her recheck was on Friday, and while she had an accident on the way to the office (which was sad and a bit mortifying for all involved), the doctor said she had healed remarkably well for her age. After taking out her stitches, the vet said she didn't need to see us for a long time. What a relief. While I was prepared for the worst, I wasn't really looking forward to losing another cat so soon, and I'm glad that we will have her around for hopefully another couple of years or longer, even if she's being picky as hell now.

It does make me miss Kiki, though. I feel like I didn't do right by her in many things, even though she gave us much more trouble. I wish she was still here with us anyway.

Other than that, I don't really feel like updating on anything else. I'm upset about the mass shooting in Orlando and me and... life in general, I guess. Mike's off on yet another run to Livermore to pick up food show supplies, and I don't feel like getting into it right now. Maybe I'll go to bed early for once and call it a day. It's been a long weekend, and there's hopefully plenty of time to get into things or feel better enough to not later. That's ambiguous enough to be frustrating, yes? Ah, whatever.
howeverbrief: (Black)
I found out Olive's test results Wednesday. I just haven't gotten myself to write about them because I don't want to get too worked up about it.

Doctor called and said that the medicine Olive is on has reduced her thyroid levels back to normal, which is very good news. The only thing the vet said is she would have expected Olive to gain weight in that time, since hyperthyroid causes cats to lose crazy amounts of weight while the medicine is supposed to reverse that, and Olive basically just maintained her weight. (It went down like .1 of a pound.) Because she hadn't gained weight, the vet worried that something else could be wrong with her that hasn't been tested for yet, like cancer. However, her non-weight gain or loss could just mean she's one of those cats who stabilizes and stays that way. It's hard to know one way or another.

The doctor gave us three options at that point. We could wait a few weeks to see if she gains weight over the next few weeks to rule out other issues. We could do some ultrasounds and x-rays to determine if she has lymphoma, like Kiki had, or any other cancers. Lastly, since we had no other indications that she had other issues, we could proceed with the surgery she needs to fix her teeth, which the vet says are really painful for her, and to remove the benign mass on her leg, which is only going to get bigger.

I chose option number three, and when I ran it past Mike later, he agreed. The vet warned me that if Olive does have underlying cancer, the surgery could kill her, which is very worrisome, but the way I figure it, if it's Olive's time to go, she will go. Otherwise, this is a surgery that she needs, and it does us no favors to delay it just to make sure she doesn't have yet another illness that will take her anyway. At this point, I'd rather not know. I certainly hope she will make it through (and have a good feeling she will given her difficult life before she came to me), but you can never know. Any surgery has the potential for complications, and we're taking an extra roll of the dice because of her advanced age here.

I say all this because I get to drop her off for surgery before work tomorrow and will be on call all day about it, so I'm pretty nervous about how it will go.

Had a nice enough weekend otherwise. I got to either talk to or hang out with the majority of my immediate family (Mom and siblings), and otherwise I've been doing a lot of cleaning or hanging out or nothing of note. Both Mike and I are pretty tired, so that's about all. Woo, I lead an exciting life. Maybe I'll have more to relate another time.
howeverbrief: (Temp)
I took the day off today to take Olive to the vet. It really didn't take that long and I could've easily gone back to work, but at the time I requested it at work, I had no time off in sight and really wanted at least something to look forward to since we were still stuck in codification hell. This was before I asked for the time off to go to Vegas weekend before last, and I must say, it's a little weird to have a random Tuesday off.

Anyway, it's been a nice enough day. I slept in a little bit then got up to exercise to an older DVD I have that took 45 minutes of my day and kicked my ass. I had semi-planned on getting the bloodwork my doctor requested during my appointment last Monday, but I realized pretty quickly after that that I wasn't going to be able to continue fasting and be able to stay upright. I'll have to figure out another time to do that now. Yay, being an adult.

We took Olive to the vet after that, and she was really vocal on the way to the office. Otherwise, there's not much to report. She was there for a recheck on her bloodwork to see if the medication she's on has brought her thyroid under control enough for her to have surgery to remove the mass from her leg (which has grown a little bit but doesn't really concern the vet?) and to fix her teeth. We'll find out the results tomorrow. She hasn't lost weight, though, so hopefully it will work out.

After the appointment, Mike took me to breakfast (pupusas for the win) and then got ready to go because he has yet another food show to do, this time in Livermore woo. He's supposed to have a lot of customers there, though, so he should get a lot of followup business out of it (even though he's semi-drowning in followups from his last show). Hopefully it's not too painful, though.

Other than that, I took a long walk, messed around on the internet, and started a knitting project while watching too much TV, so not a very productive day. Hey, if you're going to ditch work for a vet appointment, might as well. I'll get to the bills tomorrow or something.

Some other recent happenings worth noting:
My brother got a new job! He's been very miserable at his current work since new management took over, and his last day there is this Friday. I found out he is going to do part-time work there to help with the transition while working 40 hours a week at the new gig, though, which I think is way too much given the way they've treated him. He's got to figure that out, though.

On a similar note, my younger sister has a few job interviews this week since her job with the university is not being renewed. Fingers crossed those go well. I wish I could say the same for my older sister, but that's neither here nor there.

We went to a show on Friday evening: Alton Brown Live: Eat Your Science Tour
It was fun! He did three different segments: Food God (on what he would do if he were Food God, like banning children's menus for example), Pick Your Poison (where an unlucky volunteer from the audience got to test Alton's theory on the best cocktails being three ingredients and how to use science to improve the ensuing rum-brandy-pixie sticks cocktail that ensued from the random nature of choosing the ingredients slot machine style), and Popcorn (where another unlucky volunteer helped build a giant working model of popcorn that popped all over her as well as showed off his giant popcorn maker that makes 4 bushels of popcorn at once). He also sang several songs, pronounced Nevada wrong, and was very, very snarky. Haha. It was a good time. My brother also went to the show, so we saw him afterward. He was convinced the volunteers from the audience were plants, but I wasn't so sure, considering how hard Alton was on them. Also, Alton had some saltier jokes and more of an adult edge to him that was different from his "Good Eats" show though the show was overall kid friendly. Very funny.

My in-laws 50th anniversary is this September. Need to figure out what were doing for that. Hmm... It still kind of boggles my mind that they were married the day before my parents were (11 years before that too, but just an odd coincidence). Our anniversary is very close by too, but we had a little bit more say in that: September 7th is ours. September 9th is Mike's parents. September 10th is my parents. September is, of course, a popular month for weddings, but it's still kind of nuts. That's a long time to be married, too.

But uh, I guess I should try to wind down and get ready for bed.
howeverbrief: (Winter)
Hey, stupid self;
Don't look stuff up on moles on the internet because the mole you've had as long as you can remember hurts and your dad said you should get it checked out. It'll just make you think you have cancer and freak out, and you don't have a regular doctor to go to, remember?
Thanks for nothing, hypochondria.
Best (and quit being dumb or go get a doctor);


Mar. 15th, 2016 09:15 pm
howeverbrief: (Winter)
What a stupid, disappointing day.
howeverbrief: (Skull)
I had a dream a few nights ago that woke me from a very deep sleep. What is it about people who have been gone ten years or more? How do they pop back in every once in a while and set the whole town ablaze only to vanish again? I don't even know what you look like anymore. I am long over all this. I am over wanting to mumble apologies and have them misunderstood, igniting the pain all over again, but that's what I do in my dreams. I face it without actually doing anything. It's anxiety I neither want nor need. We were never good enough together anyway.

I am worried about the cat again. She's sneezing. It is getting harder to get her to take the steroids, which yes, I wouldn't want to take either if I were her, but come on. Her eating seems to have slowed, and she puked while eating a little while ago. I'm sure it's nothing, but I am frightened anyway. We shall see.

Mike is out of town again. He was in Livermore Sunday night through Tuesday night for his monthly meeting at his home office. Tomorrow he has a food presentation he was asked to help with in Sacramento, and he has to get up really early. He is in another chat window I have open, but I am not being very good company right now. I don't know why I can't just... be okay, I guess.

Work is okay. Frustrating in certain ways. Still waiting for the work that's going to push us over the edge in this codification project. Still not quite getting anything else done except in fits and waves whenever there's a panic. This has been going on for too long, but apparently it shows no signs of stopping. There has to be an end. We have other things we need to do in the interim before session work arrives again sometime in the fall. We have no control, though. I think too damn much. I need to let it go.

I'm not making any sense really, stringing together words for the sake of it. Sorry. I'm feeling kind of down, and this isn't really helping. I'll try again later. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Because in your heart, it's loud. Oh...


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September 2017



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