howeverbrief (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
howeverbrief) wrote2018-12-10 06:16 pm
howeverbrief) wrote2018-12-10 06:16 pm
Entry tags:
Numbers
Again, apologies. I have several other entries I need to get to, including the divulging of secrets. I was just hoping I'd have something more positive to add to that list, and it's not looking likely at this point.
In the meantime, I have to put this numbers game somewhere:
45 days into this cycle
30 days+ Resting heart rate elevated
16 days sore tits
5 pregnancy tests taken within 2 weeks (all negative)
It feels monumentally fucked up that I'm waiting to see blood right now-- near the first anniversary of finding out we'd lose our firstborn and beyond that within a few days of the anniversary of having to take medication to force my body to bleed it out.
I've been anticipating a different result for so many weeks, hoping I had predicted correctly again, only to now be preparing to be disappointed, even if the alternative is equally terrifying. I don't know what I was expecting really. It's just going to be a period, a temporary distraction. I should have known. Why even bother trying?
No one wants to hear it. No one wants to talk about it. I get it.
I'm really tired of being alive right now.
In the meantime, I have to put this numbers game somewhere:
45 days into this cycle
30 days+ Resting heart rate elevated
16 days sore tits
5 pregnancy tests taken within 2 weeks (all negative)
It feels monumentally fucked up that I'm waiting to see blood right now-- near the first anniversary of finding out we'd lose our firstborn and beyond that within a few days of the anniversary of having to take medication to force my body to bleed it out.
I've been anticipating a different result for so many weeks, hoping I had predicted correctly again, only to now be preparing to be disappointed, even if the alternative is equally terrifying. I don't know what I was expecting really. It's just going to be a period, a temporary distraction. I should have known. Why even bother trying?
No one wants to hear it. No one wants to talk about it. I get it.
I'm really tired of being alive right now.