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Don't Wake Up
Apr. 17th, 2011 11:06 amI'm not done ranting apparently, even though I really need to do something more productive with the few hours I have before I have to go to work. Augh. Sorry, folks.
...
Of course there are two sides to every story. Of course people who are no longer in my life are going to see how things happened differently. I won't sit here and tell you I made all the right choices, my reactions to situations were always justified, or even the way I remember things is truly accurate. No one can do that, not even you.
This is the part where I insert a "but," like I'm excusing myself for these imperfections. I give a list of things I can't do, but then I try to explain them away, like they aren't so bad after all when you consider this or that mitigating circumstance. When I look at it that way, I understand why so many people think I view myself as a martyr. Look at my terrible spots, but know they aren't as terrible when compared against the things that have happened to me. Put in a context like that, I can see why the sharp relief gives off that impression, even if I don't intend it that way at all.
I try really hard to see situations from multiple perspectives, to have empathy for others who are in different situations and see things in a way I can only imagine. I put myself in their place to keep from getting so wrapped up in myself that I can't see the humanity in other people. I am not always successful in this endeavor. In fact, even when I believe I truly comprehend someone else's situation and feel very strongly for them, I very often end up being wrong in some way, mostly because even when I try my hardest, I am limited by my own circumstances and experiences. One can't really walk a mile in someone else's shoes, after all. We all have different feet.
The pain I feel isn't unique. I won't try to convince you that my issues are worse than his or hers or yours or anyone else's. I might have at one point, but I see the uselessness in that now. They are problems I deal with and feel very strongly about, sometimes in ways that other people don't agree with or understand, but they aren't any bigger or smaller than the hangups and neuroses other people deal with every day. The way I see it, we all have our imperfections, and we all suffer. To get in pissing contests where we compare suffering and try to one-up each other on who is suffering the most is a good way to forget that underneath everything, we are all the same on some level. No one is any more blessed or cursed despite the myriad of circumstances we find ourselves in. You and I, we are not so different, not so far apart that nary the twain shall meet.
But in the end, I can only speak for myself. I can only show you what I know, even if it is impossible to be certain of damn near everything. I am not without fault. I am not free from blame. This particular set of imperfections and failures is mine and mine alone, and I am not going to claim it is easy to conquer or spirit away my emotions just because someone else tells me I shouldn't feel the way I do. I can't help what I've done or how I feel. I've tried so many ways to feel differently over the years, and I always end up coming back here, running up against myself. I can try to see what you think. I can do my best to gradually change. I can pine and hope and analyze and climb, but I am only one person, and I won't always get it right. I can only do so much.
If this is something for which I should be sorry, I apologize. I apologize with all my heart.
...
Of course there are two sides to every story. Of course people who are no longer in my life are going to see how things happened differently. I won't sit here and tell you I made all the right choices, my reactions to situations were always justified, or even the way I remember things is truly accurate. No one can do that, not even you.
This is the part where I insert a "but," like I'm excusing myself for these imperfections. I give a list of things I can't do, but then I try to explain them away, like they aren't so bad after all when you consider this or that mitigating circumstance. When I look at it that way, I understand why so many people think I view myself as a martyr. Look at my terrible spots, but know they aren't as terrible when compared against the things that have happened to me. Put in a context like that, I can see why the sharp relief gives off that impression, even if I don't intend it that way at all.
I try really hard to see situations from multiple perspectives, to have empathy for others who are in different situations and see things in a way I can only imagine. I put myself in their place to keep from getting so wrapped up in myself that I can't see the humanity in other people. I am not always successful in this endeavor. In fact, even when I believe I truly comprehend someone else's situation and feel very strongly for them, I very often end up being wrong in some way, mostly because even when I try my hardest, I am limited by my own circumstances and experiences. One can't really walk a mile in someone else's shoes, after all. We all have different feet.
The pain I feel isn't unique. I won't try to convince you that my issues are worse than his or hers or yours or anyone else's. I might have at one point, but I see the uselessness in that now. They are problems I deal with and feel very strongly about, sometimes in ways that other people don't agree with or understand, but they aren't any bigger or smaller than the hangups and neuroses other people deal with every day. The way I see it, we all have our imperfections, and we all suffer. To get in pissing contests where we compare suffering and try to one-up each other on who is suffering the most is a good way to forget that underneath everything, we are all the same on some level. No one is any more blessed or cursed despite the myriad of circumstances we find ourselves in. You and I, we are not so different, not so far apart that nary the twain shall meet.
But in the end, I can only speak for myself. I can only show you what I know, even if it is impossible to be certain of damn near everything. I am not without fault. I am not free from blame. This particular set of imperfections and failures is mine and mine alone, and I am not going to claim it is easy to conquer or spirit away my emotions just because someone else tells me I shouldn't feel the way I do. I can't help what I've done or how I feel. I've tried so many ways to feel differently over the years, and I always end up coming back here, running up against myself. I can try to see what you think. I can do my best to gradually change. I can pine and hope and analyze and climb, but I am only one person, and I won't always get it right. I can only do so much.
If this is something for which I should be sorry, I apologize. I apologize with all my heart.
