"There, for the grace of God go I"
Jan. 20th, 2019 07:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
howeverbriefGrief hits in weird pockets, with no warning. Today it was during the beginning of a workout, that familiar welling up in the edges of my eyes. Here and gone. The rise and fall of remembering and wondering what's next.
More and more, we remember random things said during appointments but can only paraphrase the meaning behind it, tinged as it is with our own overwhelming emotions and fatigue. "At some point, people get tired of the loss and decide they can't go through any more, so they stop trying." There's only so many times you can take. How many more times do we have left in us before it's just too much to go on?
Songs play and replay. Lyrics appear and leave only to surface again. Found and known, all genres and nothing off limits. Different for both of us, so I only recognize my own with any sort of intimacy. We assign them to losses and try to differentiate, but they start to run together.
Jetty Rae:
"Hold on Darling one more day you’ll wake up, wake up, wake up
And everything will be okay..."
Against Me!:
"All the places that we never went; all the times we never had
I want them back now, I want them all back
I wanted you to be more real than all the others
I wanted our love to be more real than all of the rest..."
Offspring:
"Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away..."
The firstborn was a surprise. We only thought the second one was fast (and ironically occupies the same space as all middle children now). The youngest one was gone before we even knew it was real. It feels like an endless feedback loop where we compare and story-tell and justify the narrative even though it never seems to congeal or make sense.
What's next? Another?
Flogging Molly:
"Lost was the child we all once did hide
There, for the grace of God
There, for the grace of God
There, for the grace of God go I..."
More and more, we remember random things said during appointments but can only paraphrase the meaning behind it, tinged as it is with our own overwhelming emotions and fatigue. "At some point, people get tired of the loss and decide they can't go through any more, so they stop trying." There's only so many times you can take. How many more times do we have left in us before it's just too much to go on?
Songs play and replay. Lyrics appear and leave only to surface again. Found and known, all genres and nothing off limits. Different for both of us, so I only recognize my own with any sort of intimacy. We assign them to losses and try to differentiate, but they start to run together.
Jetty Rae:
"Hold on Darling one more day you’ll wake up, wake up, wake up
And everything will be okay..."
Against Me!:
"All the places that we never went; all the times we never had
I want them back now, I want them all back
I wanted you to be more real than all the others
I wanted our love to be more real than all of the rest..."
Offspring:
"Maybe in another life
I could find you there
Pulled away before your time
I can't deal it's so unfair
And it feels
And it feels like
Heaven's so far away
Yeah it feels like
The world has grown cold
Now that you've gone away..."
The firstborn was a surprise. We only thought the second one was fast (and ironically occupies the same space as all middle children now). The youngest one was gone before we even knew it was real. It feels like an endless feedback loop where we compare and story-tell and justify the narrative even though it never seems to congeal or make sense.
What's next? Another?
Flogging Molly:
"Lost was the child we all once did hide
There, for the grace of God
There, for the grace of God
There, for the grace of God go I..."
