![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
howeverbrief[Error: unknown template qotd]
The subject of one day to live has actually been on my mind a lot. I'm not sure why, but I find myself looking around the present moment and wondering if the last things I've said to people are positive or negative, and if I find they are negative, I want to change them. Even if I am upset at a situation with a loved one, I find there's little need for them to feel unloved during it just to get my point across. As with many important concepts, this is much easier to say than it is to do. This is one of the many small things in which I remain unsuccessful, and perhaps these small things will be acts I will struggle with all the days of my life.
If I look really closely at these circumstances, I wonder if I am merely distracting myself from what's really important-- enjoying what I already have regardless if I can make it better or not (or if it brings me pain along with pleasure).
On the other side of the spectrum, so much of my time here recently has been spent lamenting conflicts in my current relationships, and every once in a while, I have to step back and try to look at the big picture, even if that perspective proves difficult and elusive. I mean, in the great scheme of things, is any of this conflict going to matter? Is any of this going to make a difference, or am I just spinning my wheels again? There's always the grand what-if questions that cut straight to the heart of these matters-- what if I'm blowing this out of proportion; what if that's the last thing I say; what if the other person dies without knowing what I really meant or how I really felt?
I get into these fits where nothing other than my own anger and pain seems important, but in the non-judgmental eyes of retrospection, I know that I am needlessly hurting myself and others along the way sometimes. I know I have to go through the process of combat to appease my wounded heart and ego, but afterward, it seems pointless-- my own heightened emotions almost daring me to become more ridiculous as time flows past. I ask myself if I am learning from any of this or if I just keep cycling through the same old lessons, if I'm never growing up but instead allowing myself to think I'm getting closer by watching the sun lazily set behind the mountains day after day. These are questions I cannot answer by myself, but the answers seem to dance just out of view over the horizon, a place I will never reach no matter how far I run or how high I climb.
In the meantime, approximations will have to do.
Today, if I knew I had one day to live, I know I couldn't take it all back. I could not, with two words, make it better. The past would remain as it is. I cannot change the person I have been, nor would I want to if I were given the chance. Surprisingly, though I sift through these ruminations every now and again, I find as the years go on that there are few people with whom I would do things differently. Yes, I've made horrendous mistakes in the journey to now. Yes, I have pushed people away and caused suffering. Yes, I have forgotten (or deliberately neglected) to apologize or say how I truly felt. But even holding that in my heart, I know all these things are mine. They are who I have been, and they will help shape who I will become, regardless if I have one day remaining or the rest of eternity to live. They are the things that people know about me and the things that I know about myself.
So really, the only person I would tell these things to is you-- you who needs to hear it. I'm sorry. I love you.
The subject of one day to live has actually been on my mind a lot. I'm not sure why, but I find myself looking around the present moment and wondering if the last things I've said to people are positive or negative, and if I find they are negative, I want to change them. Even if I am upset at a situation with a loved one, I find there's little need for them to feel unloved during it just to get my point across. As with many important concepts, this is much easier to say than it is to do. This is one of the many small things in which I remain unsuccessful, and perhaps these small things will be acts I will struggle with all the days of my life.
If I look really closely at these circumstances, I wonder if I am merely distracting myself from what's really important-- enjoying what I already have regardless if I can make it better or not (or if it brings me pain along with pleasure).
On the other side of the spectrum, so much of my time here recently has been spent lamenting conflicts in my current relationships, and every once in a while, I have to step back and try to look at the big picture, even if that perspective proves difficult and elusive. I mean, in the great scheme of things, is any of this conflict going to matter? Is any of this going to make a difference, or am I just spinning my wheels again? There's always the grand what-if questions that cut straight to the heart of these matters-- what if I'm blowing this out of proportion; what if that's the last thing I say; what if the other person dies without knowing what I really meant or how I really felt?
I get into these fits where nothing other than my own anger and pain seems important, but in the non-judgmental eyes of retrospection, I know that I am needlessly hurting myself and others along the way sometimes. I know I have to go through the process of combat to appease my wounded heart and ego, but afterward, it seems pointless-- my own heightened emotions almost daring me to become more ridiculous as time flows past. I ask myself if I am learning from any of this or if I just keep cycling through the same old lessons, if I'm never growing up but instead allowing myself to think I'm getting closer by watching the sun lazily set behind the mountains day after day. These are questions I cannot answer by myself, but the answers seem to dance just out of view over the horizon, a place I will never reach no matter how far I run or how high I climb.
In the meantime, approximations will have to do.
Today, if I knew I had one day to live, I know I couldn't take it all back. I could not, with two words, make it better. The past would remain as it is. I cannot change the person I have been, nor would I want to if I were given the chance. Surprisingly, though I sift through these ruminations every now and again, I find as the years go on that there are few people with whom I would do things differently. Yes, I've made horrendous mistakes in the journey to now. Yes, I have pushed people away and caused suffering. Yes, I have forgotten (or deliberately neglected) to apologize or say how I truly felt. But even holding that in my heart, I know all these things are mine. They are who I have been, and they will help shape who I will become, regardless if I have one day remaining or the rest of eternity to live. They are the things that people know about me and the things that I know about myself.
So really, the only person I would tell these things to is you-- you who needs to hear it. I'm sorry. I love you.
