I'm a sap.
Aug. 27th, 2011 10:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
howeverbriefPaper journal has been getting more of a workout lately. Here's the slightly edited entry from early this morning--
Woke up groggy from a really intense dream- the kind you wake up a few times during then fall asleep only to have the narrative continue. It involved Jacob, my first "boyfriend", who I haven't thought of except abstractly in a really long time. I suppose when I was getting ready for bed, I was thinking about the poetry he wrote me and the heart maze he drew all those years ago. I know he was the resident bad kid of the school and came from a pretty terrible family background (oh, the stories I could tell), but I still have fond memories and think he was somewhat misunderstood, even if he did up and disappear from my life when I was about thirteen. Thomas was also friends with him and said he was a bad kid who his grandparents disliked. He said that Jacob claimed he slept with me. Ha! Jacob never got so much as a kiss. Then again, what kind of source is Thomas, who also told me the local pastor's son told him to stay away from me before we got together because I was a good kid and he would "ruin" me. Funny.
Anyway-- My dream involved Jacob suddenly appearing and asking me to marry him. I said yes without thinking. Time passed, and while I was planning the wedding, I realized I knew next to nothing about him. I tried to take walks with him to talk and try to get to know him better, clutching his arm the whole time, but he seemed distant. Even while staying at my house, he slept in a spare room and barely said anything.
One morning, I went to wake him up to spend some time with him before work, and he looked at me with a really tired face. I asked him if we'd ever kissed, and he said we had the day we were both sick in sixth grade and left alone in the classroom together at recess, which I knew was a lie. He went to take a shower, but I moved to kiss him. I kissed him twice, awkwardly, and he didn't kiss me back. He didn't seem especially thrilled, so I mumbled something about needing to get ready for work.
As I headed to the bathroom, Katie, Michael, Siobhan and Katie W. accosted me with a tape recording stating reasons why I shouldn't marry Jacob, one of them being, "He does things thirty seconds after he's supposed to. You ever notice his smile?" I didn't tell them I was already thinking the same thing. I went to take a shower but stopped and went back to visit them again. They were sitting on the floor around the recorder and playing the recording, which Katie said she made with her girlfriend. Katie did some funny hand motions to the beat, and I woke up.
~
I'm rather tired. I don't know why I'm up so late other than I can be. I have a lot I should do tomorrow, but since I finally finished another deposition summary for my aunt and don't have any more (yet), I'm feeling semi-unmotivated already. I've been working on those on top of working full-time for the last three weeks, and it's wearing me out a little bit. We're also going to voluntary 10-hour days, which is okay but I'm still not looking forward to it. I think I've just been overworking myself a little but lately, even if other people do more than I do. Hell, it's still not easy. Whatever.
My complexes about work aside, I'm not sure I have much to say. My brain is pulling weird crap together while I'm asleep, and I've been sleeping too little to begin with. I need to remedy that somehow. Rest is good. We'll see if I can get it without feeling guilty.
...
And the few things I have to add--
I haven't mentioned this yet. My friend John visited earlier this week, so we had lunch (well, I had french toast, so it was more like brunch for me) where I also met his husband. I didn't think this would happen considering they live in Spain. His husband doesn't speak any English, so it was a mad translating session, but it seemed to go all right. It was pretty crazy at the same time, though. I haven't seen him in such a long time. Though the time was very short, it reminded me of the summer I was single and we palled around for a few weeks watching movies, eating hamburgers late at night, and talking under the stars. That was many years ago now.
My parents passed through town today, so I tagged along. They were driving to Reno to go to a spaghetti dinner benefit for my dad's friend who is slowly dying of cancer. Dad talked about how his friend had bladder cancer then received a new bladder, but now it's in his pancreas or liver or something. His friend was on chemo, but the doctors took him off of it because they said he might as well have a better quality of life for the time he has left. My dad turned to me as we were leaving and said, "I think he's younger than I am." Freaking heartbreaking.
Coming out of the grocery store, I saw a man in a motorized wheelchair holding a cardboard sign that read, "Vet. Disabled. Please help." My cynical side thought he'd use any money he got on booze. My sappy side thought he looked really sad sitting in the sun outside the Jack in the Box. My sappy side won.
Woke up groggy from a really intense dream- the kind you wake up a few times during then fall asleep only to have the narrative continue. It involved Jacob, my first "boyfriend", who I haven't thought of except abstractly in a really long time. I suppose when I was getting ready for bed, I was thinking about the poetry he wrote me and the heart maze he drew all those years ago. I know he was the resident bad kid of the school and came from a pretty terrible family background (oh, the stories I could tell), but I still have fond memories and think he was somewhat misunderstood, even if he did up and disappear from my life when I was about thirteen. Thomas was also friends with him and said he was a bad kid who his grandparents disliked. He said that Jacob claimed he slept with me. Ha! Jacob never got so much as a kiss. Then again, what kind of source is Thomas, who also told me the local pastor's son told him to stay away from me before we got together because I was a good kid and he would "ruin" me. Funny.
Anyway-- My dream involved Jacob suddenly appearing and asking me to marry him. I said yes without thinking. Time passed, and while I was planning the wedding, I realized I knew next to nothing about him. I tried to take walks with him to talk and try to get to know him better, clutching his arm the whole time, but he seemed distant. Even while staying at my house, he slept in a spare room and barely said anything.
One morning, I went to wake him up to spend some time with him before work, and he looked at me with a really tired face. I asked him if we'd ever kissed, and he said we had the day we were both sick in sixth grade and left alone in the classroom together at recess, which I knew was a lie. He went to take a shower, but I moved to kiss him. I kissed him twice, awkwardly, and he didn't kiss me back. He didn't seem especially thrilled, so I mumbled something about needing to get ready for work.
As I headed to the bathroom, Katie, Michael, Siobhan and Katie W. accosted me with a tape recording stating reasons why I shouldn't marry Jacob, one of them being, "He does things thirty seconds after he's supposed to. You ever notice his smile?" I didn't tell them I was already thinking the same thing. I went to take a shower but stopped and went back to visit them again. They were sitting on the floor around the recorder and playing the recording, which Katie said she made with her girlfriend. Katie did some funny hand motions to the beat, and I woke up.
~
I'm rather tired. I don't know why I'm up so late other than I can be. I have a lot I should do tomorrow, but since I finally finished another deposition summary for my aunt and don't have any more (yet), I'm feeling semi-unmotivated already. I've been working on those on top of working full-time for the last three weeks, and it's wearing me out a little bit. We're also going to voluntary 10-hour days, which is okay but I'm still not looking forward to it. I think I've just been overworking myself a little but lately, even if other people do more than I do. Hell, it's still not easy. Whatever.
My complexes about work aside, I'm not sure I have much to say. My brain is pulling weird crap together while I'm asleep, and I've been sleeping too little to begin with. I need to remedy that somehow. Rest is good. We'll see if I can get it without feeling guilty.
...
And the few things I have to add--
I haven't mentioned this yet. My friend John visited earlier this week, so we had lunch (well, I had french toast, so it was more like brunch for me) where I also met his husband. I didn't think this would happen considering they live in Spain. His husband doesn't speak any English, so it was a mad translating session, but it seemed to go all right. It was pretty crazy at the same time, though. I haven't seen him in such a long time. Though the time was very short, it reminded me of the summer I was single and we palled around for a few weeks watching movies, eating hamburgers late at night, and talking under the stars. That was many years ago now.
My parents passed through town today, so I tagged along. They were driving to Reno to go to a spaghetti dinner benefit for my dad's friend who is slowly dying of cancer. Dad talked about how his friend had bladder cancer then received a new bladder, but now it's in his pancreas or liver or something. His friend was on chemo, but the doctors took him off of it because they said he might as well have a better quality of life for the time he has left. My dad turned to me as we were leaving and said, "I think he's younger than I am." Freaking heartbreaking.
Coming out of the grocery store, I saw a man in a motorized wheelchair holding a cardboard sign that read, "Vet. Disabled. Please help." My cynical side thought he'd use any money he got on booze. My sappy side thought he looked really sad sitting in the sun outside the Jack in the Box. My sappy side won.
