Regretfully Yours

[howeverbrief]

I regret certain things because of poor timing. Things I wish I would have said rank high on the list. Sure, saying the right thing at the wrong time and the wrong thing at the worst time (or copping out and not saying what I need to say in person) have certainly caused me some grief, but usually saying something at least gives me some sort of benchmark to return to, a place to use to check myself before I open my mouth and make a fool of myself again. Still, despite carefully planning what I say, I definitely tend to regret what I didn't say more than what I did. So many of these moments are frozen in my memory, and every once in a while I look back and want to shake my past self from inactivity, yelling, "Just say it while you have the chance!" at myself to no avail. No matter how much I want it to be different, I always just sit there and do nothing, even if the words are on the tip of my tongue.

You sometimes only get one shot to say something, and when the time passes without a word, well, a set of thin lips pressed shut take on a whole new level of regret.

I regret not figuring out specific events sooner and what I've done to myself pursuing dreams that will never come to fruition. I almost always tend to stay beyond the point of reason just because I hope somehow that things will turn out the way I want just by virtue of me wanting them so badly. I wrestle; I claw; I moan and wail until it seems hopeless. Then I convince myself to get up and do it again despite repeated warnings and red flags. I've done things that have severely damaged friendships just because I assumed I knew why people were doing the things they were doing. I justified months and months of actions based on theories that weren't sound to begin with, and when it came time to actually ask and find out why, I have been entirely wrong. I have impeded my own growth because I was convinced only I knew what was best for me and refused to listen to anyone who didn't agree with my grand "vision", stupid as it was in retrospect. Then there were the times I sat in dying heaps of relationships long past the terminal point even though I knew the truth deep down, waiting, hoping, willing things to get better, believing against the odds that if I just worked hard enough and fought long enough, the other person would change his mind.

I look back on these doomed but predictable exits, and I regret not being able to see what I should have given everything I know now. I regret holding on to people who didn't deserve the energy I spent on them and not walking away long before I experienced any of this deterioration. I regret not listening in the first place.

Still, maybe worst of all, I regret what I do when I want to inflict the most pain-- the moments I snap and try to think of the most horrible and damaging but succinct way to drive a phrase through someone's heart. These moments are altogether brief and fleeting, and the sentiment usually pops into my head and is fired in rapid succession, a tiny barb directed at the pressure points of the people I hold in the highest regard without much thought (or care) about the consequences. Isn't it awful to know you have the biggest stockpile of ammunition against the people you love most? Isn't it worse when a short but lethal sentence flies out of your mouth, taking with it your every intention to maim that person in a way only you know because they trusted you enough to give you that ability? Even if I don't really mean it, even if it's just in the heat of the moment, even if it's only because I want to hurt the person just as much as they have hurt me, perhaps even more, there it is on a silver platter.

Perhaps the worst thing I've ever said: "Have a nice life."

There it is, staring me in the face--regret.